The Darkness Inside
*Content Advisory: This article features thoughts on mental health/depression, including references to suicidal ideation. If you’re not in the best head space to think about these issues, this is probably a good entry to skip.*
Oh hey there . . . I’m supposed to have posted an article on finishing a first draft by now, aren’t I? Well, as usual, life had other plans. I made a brief video on the process and the overwhelming delight that often comes with finishing a project which you can find here & below.
But I’ll confess the next part here which is far less victorious: editing your draft is hard; biting back moving onto the next story is miserable; life still plunges forward no matter how your draft looks; societal expectations and measurements of success remain, and mental health is still complicated. So, how’s my writing going? Well . . .
A few days ago, my partner hugged me and said a few words that will linger with me for quite some time:
“You’re such a beautiful person that it’s obvious when something dark is growing inside you.”
No, he wasn’t talking about my next project (projects? Idk - they’re all pretty dark, tbh). What my kick ass partner was highlighting is that my long term roomies have returned from their hiatus—depression and anxiety always pop back in for visits no matter how many times I kick them out.
If you’ve been following me here or on any of my social media accounts, you probably know this year has been one of the wildest of my entire life. This month marks one year since I officially quit my job as a federal senior analyst in D.C.. Next month marks one year since my former spouse and I split. In a couple of weeks, it’ll have been six months since I moved to a new house and (technically) a new town.
Looking back, none of these things are inherently BAD. Indeed, they all needed to happen for various reasons. Nevertheless, that’s a hell of a lot of change, and with a noggin’ wired like mine, that’s just asking for a visit from the Brain Gremlins.
Why?
Following my departure from federal employment, I decided to focus on freelancing, my tarot business, and writing full time. All of that was and remains a delicate financial balancing act with no guarantee of when (or if) you’ll see another paycheck. On top of that, those career pursuits have no set schedule and no safety net. If I don’t accomplish a task, it won’t get done. No one else is going to swoop in and lend a hand if I get sick. There is no such thing as Paid Time Off. There are no “work hours” because suddenly ALL HOURS become eligible for work. Add in the bizarre societal belief that being a writer, freelancer, and certainly a tarot specialist are not “real jobs” + the pressures of single parenting, and you’ve got a guaranteed recipe for some sleepless nights, restless days, and the constant need to prove yourself. That’s amplified exponentially when you have the nasty little voices of those who have actively rooted for your failure constantly hissing in the back of your mind (‘you’ll never survive on your own with those kids’).
Yeah . . . that’s . . . a lot.
But the upsides of this new career path are tremendous. My ‘breaks’ are no longer spent in an office building bathroom sobbing. I’m able to plan, execute, and accomplish projects per my own vision. I’m free to speak about my convictions publicly, even recently posting a TikTok on equality, protection, and unionization for sex workers—something I would *never* have been permitted to do before. I’m doing the things I love and truly believe in, helping people as well as creating, making careful decisions about what job I take on next. Most importantly, for the first time since I became a parent, I’m able to spend time with my kids (and enjoy it) without having to ask for permission or cram it in between business calls.
Gone are the days where I’d wake up wishing I’d died in my sleep, or contemplate launching myself in front of a metro train on my commute. In choosing this new trek, I made an active decision to live a life filled with meaning and fulfillment even if it comes with a heaping side of insecurity. I don’t regret that choice at all. The sizable salary and benefits were not worth sacrificing my beliefs, talent, and relationships.
So, sure, there have been changes, but if it’s worth it, why the hell am I losing sleep? Well . . . because even the good things in life come with pressure. In fact, I think the stakes are actually higher and more frightening when you’re choosing the road less traveled but truer to your values. If I fumble the ball, I’m not just risking financial trouble; my ego and big ol’ heart are on the line. And you know what? I think that’s true for all creatives, especially the ones who decide to monetize their work.
I once read an article by a magazine columnist that bemoaned the difficulties of having to turn on creativity every day like a regular 9-5 job, and I thought he was a little dramatic. What could be better than being paid for doing what you love? The answer to that question is very few things! But that’s not really what that article’s author was talking about. I just didn’t understand at the time. The difficulty they were actually highlighting was precisely what I’ve described above.
Life’s stressors don’t just disappear when you follow the career paths you love or even when you finally manage to locate contentment. Capitalism doesn’t give a damn about whether you’re living a happy, healthy life so long as you’re producing, and for better or worse, that’s the system in which most of us are forced to labor. So, putting food on the table or paying the rent or keeping the lights on or even near-meaningless things such as maintaining the respect of your loved ones remains very relevant.
In other words, creativity does not cancel out the pressure cooker known as western society, and that pressure inherently leads to (let’s all say it together) ANXIETY!
And what does runaway anxiety lead to? DEPRESSION!
And what does prolonged depression lead to?
Well, a lot of things, but for the purposes of this entry, the one thing it certainly does NOT lead to when you’re going through it is energy—perhaps the most critical piece of being a professional creative. You can’t translate your art to the masses if you don’t have the oompf to even think. Not only is that frustrating as hell, it’s also scary. Again, if I don’t get the job done, no one else will.
So, what does a creative do when the Brain Gremlins come along to cultivate that ‘darkness’ within?
I don’t have a magical answer for that, though please share with the class if you do. Obviously, therapy is first on the checklist, if you’re able to afford it (though, that’s pretty hard to do in the USA where we all just sort of accepted it’s okay to withhold or price-out health care for much of the population). Meds are there too, if it’s appropriate for one’s situation. There’s meditation, accountability partners, exercise, CBD, a healthy sleep routine—so many tips and tricks exist to help us climb out of a psychological hole, but it doesn’t make it easy or even a guarantee. Sometimes you have to try multiple combinations of techniques and tools in order to find what works for you. Even then, it often takes a while for those crappy feelings to subside and wellness to return.
Great. Kewl. Neat.
What does one do in the meantime?
Well, my therapist recommended creating a steady schedule with an organized task list (which I was already doing) and to begin speaking positive affirmations in the morning and at night (which I’m trying to get better at). Try to stay busy. Try to get outside more. Try to appreciate the small things. These are all great ideas virtually every therapist and self-help coach will give you. Knee-deep in the Anxiety-Depression Soup, none of that sounds particularly helpful, but there is one immediately helpful piece of advice wrapped inside all of those recommendations.
Try.
That’s all. You don’t have to accomplish great things every day or even every year. You don’t have to hammer out your best novel or script, nor are you required to produce the best exhibit or performance of your life. The reality is, sometimes you can’t and won’t, so why drive yourself crazy expecting that of yourself? The best you can do when the Brain Gremlins are dancing through your head is to keep going, accepting that you’re doing what you can. And maybe that’s not ‘enough’ for whatever scenario you’re in, but if that’s all you’ve got in your tank, it’ll have to do for now. Everyone’s situation is different, but you’re not going to conquer the world if you’re barely able to focus. If you choose to keep operating in that mindset, believe me, you will burn out and crash HARD, and you will not like what happens from there.
While wandering the depression wilderness, try to focus on *trying*, even if it’s just a little bit. Sit down at that keyboard and try to jot down a few words. Pick up that camera and try to take a few shots. Pull out your paints and try to get a few strokes on the canvas. No, it probably won’t be magnificent, but it’s something that continues to feed your soul and remind you who you are regardless of what bullshit society lobs onto you. Try to give that to yourself—yourself; not anyone else—because if you don’t, that psychological pit will continue to deepen and the darkness inside of it will grow.
Try to throw open your creative curtains and let the sun shine in. Try to be kind to yourself even when you feel worthless. Try to hold on.
The journey won’t always be this shadowy and disorienting, but until it gets brighter, just keep trying <3
